Nondual Inquiry with Mikko

Hi,

I read your blog entries which resonated to some degree. I don´t know
where to begin, but mostly I´m curious that will you chat with the
seeker or do you prefer to do it some other way. I saw your thread at
RT (Need help making the shift?), but I´m already in the middle of two
duels with Velorien and Stephen so I don´t know can I jump into third
one. I think I may have been shying away from the duel with Stephen
(although maybe I´ll get back to that one soon (yeah right, hehe)).
Shying away from reality. That´s not really possible. Reality endures.

I´ve been obsessing with this stuff for 2-3 years and I feel like I
need to bring this to an end. Also read the trilogy by Jed McKenna
and, well, done a lot of obsessing, too little of actual looking I
guess.

The question I´ve been reflecting is the possibility to just chat this
over. I´m not sure will it help, but I´ve been kinda toying with the
idea that maybe it could give me the needed push. It´s fine if you
don´t want to chat, then I´ll just get back to my duels.

                                      

 Hi there Mikko, I'd be happy to work with you.

                                        
Hi,


Thank you. This means a lot to me. It really does. :)
I´ve been dreaming of chatting with someone who has managed to pull
this thing through.


I´m really excited. I must confess that part of me just wants to ride
this wave of excitement for a while... hopefully this
will be seen through.


I can see that thoughts just occur and that doesn´t predicate I that
is thinking. There is some residue of identification, although if you
would hammer me to find that (hit me with the gate of no-self
constantly) I think it might get quiet pretty fast.


It´s late night in Finland which is slowly turning into morning. I
just love nighttime, I guess that is why I wanted to postpone possible
discussion at this time. Well, the focus is much more clearer at night
for me. I don´t understand how people just hit this so fast, at least
some seem to do it. I think I might be somekind of spiritual retard,
at least I know that I´m treating this as much bigger puzzle than this
needs to be.


I don´t know what I´m expecting from this possible discussion, but I
guess I just mainly want to rant about this subject, reflect my
understanding and maybe in best case scenario that understanding can
deepen into clear seeing.
Love the anagram, Nemo.


Mikko


                                     
Thanks, I like Nemo too, it actually means "no one" in latin (as well as being an anagram of 'no me').

Some people do seem to hit this faster than others, but that's okay, truth is a simple thing and readily available to everyone, there's no use trying to compare one experience of it to another.

Tell me more about this residue of identification.

                                        

Well, my experience as I see it in this moment is that seeing is
happening, thoughts are passing by (seen), some of the thoughts may
have selfing activity behind (experienced as bodily contraction) but
mostly my identity has already shifted towards awareness. But I think
this is one of the mistakes of consciousness/ awareness teachings
which I seem to be misusing, because there isn´t anything there to
identify oneself with. So subtle it seems to get in the end.


I think I was much more open towards no-self couple months ago, but
nowadays there seems to be almost sense of apathy (well, I know that
this too shall pass). Before RT I was hanging around Jed McKenna´s
forum (if that is truly him there), there´s this guy Phil. It was
amazing to have him answer the silly questions my mind seems to be
spewing forth constantly. I don´t know how one could define good
nondual teachings and answers, but to me the one´s that sort of lead
one instantly into deep silence are definitely something that makes me
cream. But I couldn´t push myself to the deep end, so I thought that
maybe, just maybe, RT is something I need. It´s amazing to see other´s
get it, although sometimes I wonder that has everyone seen it through
completely.


Sorry if I´m rambling too much. Just come home, the weather is so
lovely currently, it´s constantly inviting me outside, into the
sunshine. How long will you be
gone, weeks months? You mentioned traveling, just wondering.


I think last time when I was trying to look I was reflecting the
dependent origination teachings...


"There is some degree of seeing into the mechanism of identification.
There is no self as such, only a process of selfing, it´s a movement,
a verb not a noun. There is seeing into the interplay of thoughts, how
certain conditions are supporting the mechanism of thought. Thought is
seen as much more dependent (from conditions, although I can´t say
that there is causal relationship)."


But right now I´m almost ashamed to confess that I seem to have let
almost all of this slide. Just fall away.


It´s almost like part of me is starting to lose faith in all of this.
I know I know I know I´ll always come back to this, because I´m almost
like a nondual junkie nowadays, not even seeker but something far
worse... A junkie who is hooked up to his next fix, next dose of
teachings, next fleeting experience. Nah, that´s not really true.
Partly, yes.


I just don´t want to become one of those who build their life around
spirituality. I´m 30 years old currently and the sheer thought that
I´d be listening to the soothing voice of Adyashanti still at the age
of 43 or something like that frightens me (as much as I love Adya I
really need to see this through). Yeah, that´s it for now. Thanks for
listening.


M.

                                        

Awareness. Seeing.


A common penultimate step is to identify with awareness, or to see self as being the "seeing". It seems to be the last hiding place for self, the final stand.

And yes, it is a very subtle difference, yet very important.


From here, all it can take, all that is really needed is the noticing that experiencer is in no way separate from experience. Nonduality. This makes the illusion of self melt away - the wave dissolve back into the ocean, as it were. I actually think this is a great metaphor. A wave arises in the vastness of the ocean, as an expression of the ocean, in the same way that what we're calling Mikko arises as an expression of, and point of reference in, experience. But, as separate, autonomous entities, neither the wave nor Mikko exists. They cannot exist.

We use labels like "self" and "wave" but really there is only movement, in the ocean and in reality. A wave could never become detached from the ocean so that it could know the ocean. In the same way that you cannot create a self separate from experience/reality in order to know it (ie. experiencer). You can't because absolutely nothing outside of immediate experience can exist.

Spend a little time with this, check it out. What I'm saying may sound true but see if it actually has any relevance to real life.


Take a look and see if anything in immediate experience - thoughts, feelings, sensations, identification etc - are not created or influenced by anything/everything else.

Are internal and external mutually exclusive?


I know that you started to touch on this in your email. Instead of thinking about it though, look and see if and how it applies to real life, in real situations. Even the most mundane.

If you honestly, earnestly, want to see truth, it is there to be seen. What you described - "good nondual teachings and answers...the one´s that sort of lead one instantly into deep silence" is what is often known as "to zen out". And I agree, this sort of thing is great fun! But not essential to finding truth. Truth-realization is actually the simplest thing there is. Really. And all you need is to see it once. Because once you see it, you can never unsee it. And even after it's seen, there is still fun to be had zenning out and rolling fun koans around in your mind, as well as deepening the state and your understanding.

It's okay to let things slide and fall away too. It's important to be able to let go. Constant reevaluation of beliefs and concepts is essential, always, for everyone.


About building your life around spirituality and still listening to Adya 13 years from now.

If these things don't appeal then it's doubtful they will happen. But hey - if these are things that you want to or that you find enjoyable, there's no problem. Even when truth-realized, you still might find Adya's voice soothing, that's cool. The only thing is - you have to make yourself your own authority. Actually, better yet - it's crucial to make direct experience the ultimate authority. Jed McKenna talks about killing the Buddha when you meet him on the path (as well as himself). This is what must be done. No one else's words, including these, mean anything otherwise.

One more thing about no self inquiry.


You need to be really thorough.


Even if no self makes perfect sense to you, it is important to look for a self as if one exists. Check out every possibility.


The reason for this, is that if you don't exhaust all possible options, there will always be a tiny nagging doubt somewhere.
This ensures for yourself that you haven't just taken something at face value. You haven't just accepted what you've heard. It's the kind of honest investigation that is essential.
 
I'll be gone on my trip for about three weeks, but I will still be able to do some work with you during that time if needed.

                                        

Thank you for the response. Really, the timing for such a response is
perfect because I was starting to fall into nihilism. I wrote the
following to my personal journal...


"I was heading towards nonduality already, but then I started to doubt
everything and it led me to a deep nihilism. But I got confirmation
from the Aussie girl (well, kinda). It looks like I´m at the edge of
no self/ nonduality (which is, of course, always already the case, so
the revelation isn´t something new, it´s just seeing more clearly into
this moment). She restored my faith in my own intuition which I´m
gonna follow more deeply. If I get stuck it´s wonderful to know that
she is there. I know the direction I´m gonna take now and I have to
steer away from RT (at least for a while). Awakening to Reality blog
has everything I need. Everything."


Your response reminds me of something Ken Wilber remarked about the
witness (although there isn´t one, just witnessing/ noticing):


"The first time this became even fleetingly obvious to me was at a
sesshin, or intensive Zen retreat. On the fourth day there appeared,
so to speak, the state of the witness, the transpersonal witness that
steadily, calmly, clearly witnesses all arising events, moment to
moment. Even in dreaming, one merely witnesses: One can see the dream
start, proceed, and end (what Charles Tart has called "translucent
dreams"). Roshi, however, was thoroughly unimpressed with all this
"makyo." "The witness," he said, "is the last stand of the ego."
"At that point, the whole stance of the witness absolutely
disappeared. There was no subject anywhere in the universe; there was
no object anywhere in the universe; there was only the universe.
Everything was arising moment to moment, and it was arising in me and
as me; yet there was no me. It is very important to realize that this
was not a loss of faculties but a peak-enhancement of them, it was no
blank trance but perfect clarity; not depersonalized but
transpersonalized. No personal faculties--language, logic, concepts,
motor skills--were lost or impaired. Rather, they all functioned, for
the first time, it seemed to me, in radical openness, free from the
defenses thrown up by a separate-self sense. This radically open,
undefended, and perfectly nondual state was both incredible and
profoundly ordinary, so extraordinarily ordinary that it did not even
register. There was nobody there to comprehend it, until I fell out of
it (I guess about three hours later)."


I´m not in a rush with this thing. At least for now there isn´t any
kind of deep creative urgency behind my actions. I´ll get back to you
after three weeks (or if I seem to be onto something really good I
might give some update). Have a fun trip!

                                        
Great stuff Mikko. 


There's no need to stop things like reading, listening, looking, discussing and asking questions - as long as this-here-now is the highest authority. And the two best tools to keep this intuition razor sharp are honesty and integrity. Keep your focus absolutely honest and you can't go wrong :)

It seems to me you are doing just fine. Just remember to be gentle with yourself/the process when it's required too.


And please feel free to email me anytime you want. I'll be leaving on Tuesday and I'll have a laptop with me.

                                        

I´m glad that you dragged me away from nihilism, I really am. :)
I´m usually very open so due to that trait I may share some silly
fragments from my journal (if it feels related to this). Wrote this
yesterday (I think the awareness point of view is more and more clear,
as these words reveal)...


"Even doubt can create a feedback loop which doesn´t get you anywhere
(doubting thoughts sparking useless doubt which starts to just serve
it´s own end, thought for thoughts sake). Of course doubt is a friend
on this journey to nowhere. But if it starts to use you, then it´s a
different matter. Truth is the end point, not getting caught in
endless web of cynicism and doubt. In the end thoughts, whether they
have the quality of doubt or something else, are seen as just
thoughts; seeing is not affected by them. Simple noticing."


I think I may have demystified and simplified this to a point of
almost losing interest in all of this. Life feels much more clear, but
I think it´s mostly because of some degree of seeing into the nature
of reality. There haven´t been complete seeing though (who claims that
and what is there to see, the questioning thoughts appear as soon as
definitive statements about something start to occur).


I´m going to look more closely into dependent origination teachings.
It´s just something that seems highly interesting currently. This has
been a fun ride, these last 3 years starting from Ken Wilber´s A Brief
History of Everything, but there is a sense of all of this coming to
an end. Just a sense.


What is your view on "stages" of enlightenment, perhaps refinement of
seeing is better way to put it... I think this article by Thusness/
PasserBy is very interesting:
http://awakeningtoreality.blogspot.com/2007/03/thusnesss-six-stages-of-experience.html

  ?


The idea of enlightenment is sold as a one-way-ticket. Once you see
it, it is seen (that seeing is all there is).


But it´s strange to see so much variation around this subject. The
strange case of Adi Da is one of the most famous examples of how
grandiose enlightenment IS, then again there are people on RT where
the thought occurs: if that is enlightenment then is it (complete).
Adyashanti and all the other´s like him make it sound larger than
life, even though they may try to tone it down and do their best to
simplifying all the nonsense from the subject.

                                        

Hi Mikko, good to hear from you.


That's an interesting article. What are my views on the stages of enlightenment?
Well, this is how I see it. I don't think comparing notes is a complete waste of time. And when forging your own path, it can sometimes be encouraging and comforting to look to another's map and say "I recognise that landmark, I must be on the right track!" But it can also be just as discouraging to think, "I missed out on this jana or that nana, I'm not doing it right, I'll never make it," etc. This is why these things actually have the potential to be very detrimental and damaging, and can take a long time to "recover" from and clear from the system. A lot of people get very, very caught up in analysing and following this stuff religiously. It all relates back to the finger pointing at the moon.


Same with the variation around the subject in all the different teachers, teachings and methods. Different fingers might take on a lot of different appearances and qualities, eg. this one might have a hairy knuckle, that one might have shiny pink nail polish, but if it's pointing at the moon, doesn't matter.


There are a few reasons that I can see, of why there is need to tone down this subject.


Firstly, it's because this subject is actually very big and very important. People spend years, even lifetimes on this search. And it deals with the only question in life really worth asking - "what am I?" Then after years or a lifetime of searching, when someone finds what they've been looking for, they realise how incredibly obvious it is and how it's been right there within reach the whole time. Seriously, almost an anticlimax. But not quite. Not only that, but they've spent all this time and effort trying to become what they've always been. Not that any of this time and effort has been wasted - I know it can be highly frustrating for seekers to hear the words "don't bother looking for it - you never actually lost it" - This usually only becomes apparent after you've found it..!


The need to tone this down is because enlightenment is a very big deal (despite it being the simple recognition of the perfectly obvious). A huge deal. In fact, to declare one's enlightenment does not only come across as a contradiction in terms, it almost seems taboo. It seems unnecessary, unfortunate, and can make things very very confusing. The myth built up around enlightenment makes it so that the average person thinks his or herself unworthy of enlightenment, that it is only something reserved for mythical larger-that-life characters such as Buddha and Jesus. Or the type of person who can give up all their worldy possessions and passions and meditate for five or six hours a day, or join a monastery on a mountain to which they can dedicate their life and live in a contemplative silence and reverie.


Seriously, deep down the average seeker doesn't see him/herself as capable, or worthy, of seeing the truth.


Unworthy. Of the truth. Of their birthright, their true nature. Almost seems like a bit of a cruel joke, doesn't it?


This is why it's important to simplify and demystify enlightenment, but at the same time to never, never rid it of or diminish it's importance.
A fine balancing act!


You spoke about feedback loops of doubt. Can you see how negative feelings, including doubt, can turn into feedback loops in the first place? They reflect off a sense of self, making them grow exponentially. Sense of self needs to be soothed/reassured/avenged/

rectified/asserted/appeased etc. The negative thought or feeling can take control, and spiral out of control. So instead of trying to stop a thought from using you, you take you out of the equation altogether when you realise no-self. The thought or feeling still can happen, but it no longer has a (sense of) self to cling to or reflect off, and it dies away in the empty stillness of the void. But you can't put the horse before the cart here.

"The idea of enlightenment is sold as a one-way-ticket. Once you see it, it is seen (that seeing is all there is)."

I wouldn't say this is completely true. But I'm not going to go in to this any deeper right now, I've probably already veered off the path enough in this email as it is! :) But what I will say, is that once YOU have seen it, you can decide for yourself. And, we can discuss it later too if you like.


Okay, so you also mentioned that you want to look more closely at dependent origination teachings. Hey man, if this is something that interests you, like a hobby, a way in which to spend your time, go for it. But, if you want to use these teachings as a means for waking up, I can only honestly say that it's just another method to distract yourself. In fact a lot of this stuff has been distraction, and I've indulged it too because hey, it's fun and interesting stuff, isn't it? And you can keep on exploring this stuff once awake. Why not? It's great fun.


But if you really, truly, want liberation at last, it IS simple, and it CAN be found right here, right now. In fact it can ONLY be found right here, right now, in immediate direct experience. This is it. A movement in the void, a pattern emerging in reality with the label Mikko. A ripple, a point of reference in the vastness of experience that is constantly moving and changing, and really has no solid point of reference at all, nothing solid to refer to, no real center, no separate self. No you to be found. Take a look Mikko, it's here and it's now and it's real and it's absolutely incredible.

                                        

I don´t see this as a hobby, but I admit that there are times when I
have treated this like one. Yes, I have been hardcore spiritual
consumerist, just leaping from one YouTube video to another or one
book to another... But I can see how at some point the seeking just
starts to unravel itself. I can´t even remember when was the last time
I watched YouTube video of someone speaking words about nonduality
(and I did watch thousands of those from various authors). Neither I
listen to Adyashanti´s dharma talks anymore. Many things have been
dropped off and I seem to be coming back to this present experience
constantly, dropping all my pre-conceptions and staying with bare
attention.


I do admit that Awakening to Reality blog and especially AEN´s (An
Eternal Now) e-journal have deserved my full attention currently. You
see I always follow the teaching´s which resonate deeply and the fact
that AEN can differentiate between I AMness stage (witnessing
position) and anatta/ no-self stage is incredible. Perhaps it´s mostly
because I can recognize deeply the I AM stage and can start to have
fleeting glimpses of nondual vividness, seeing deeply into the
aliveness of this moment. I think that one must burn the map
completely in the end, but there is always value if you can have a map
which will help you orient and deepen the clarity by cutting down
mental riddles and seeing into the simplicity of what is.


I know it´s silly to discuss post-enlightenment at this point, maybe
it´s even detrimental for seeing. But I do appreciate the fact that
you had the patience to give some reflection about the subject.


For now I deeply feel I must follow the leads I have. It´s easy to say
that this or that is distraction, from certain point-of-view almost
everything is distraction, even this e-mail correspondence (don´t want
this to stop though, heh :).


I´m sure that at some point the curiosity will just grow so deep that
I´ll look. And I will make a mess out of it. And maybe I need a firm
hand to guide. Or maybe the kindness I see reflected in you will do
the trick. But it´s my responsibility to take this into my own hands
and look, right here right now into the nature of reality.


But first I shall read AEN´s blog from the beginning to the end. HAhaha.


Let´s drop the foreplay when you get back, let me have three weeks of pretense.


Mikko

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Nemo,


I feel almost ashamed to admit that I´ve let myself to wander more
deeply into conceptualization and philosophical thinking. I even
started to read Bryan Magee and Nagarjuna, because some part of me
deeply believes that I need to grasp Nagarjuna before seeing can
occur. Another bullshit belief. It´s almost like part of me can´t
allow me to - I don´t know - to accept the simplicity of this all. In
the seeing, just the seen. In the hearing, just sounds.


I can see that I had to make this mistake. To get deeply lost in
conceptual thinking, just to see what a trap it is and how it doesn´t
help me at all (so I can close the books, finally). There is some
degree of seeing. For instance I´m sometimes surprised when I see the
thoughts occurring, which have the voice I´m mostly identified with,
to just occur spontaneously without the spell of identification. It´s
a bit of a mindfuck to see that there really is no thinker (apart from
thoughts). But no, I haven´t seen this through. Although sometimes I
question that (what if there has been seeing through). I´m lost.


I actually got lost in my dreams, literally. I have to share some of
those because they seemed so meaningful, but in the end those too
became a distraction.


------------------------------

-----------------
"I´m at my old apartment, it´s dark night. There´s wind bells inside
the house and I´m supposed to listen carefully (there is insistence to
look). The haunting feeling when you expect universe to make a sound
(univer-sing), but instead there is just silence. Haunting silence. I
think it´s fitting that in that dream fragment I´m at my old
apartment... where I no longer reside!"


"Almost every night I see dreams where liberated people communicate
something to me, or they just are there as part of the figment of this
imagination. Last night it was Jed, I was excited as a child because
he had written a new book, even saw the title of the book (although
can´t recall it now). Night before Diane Hamilton talked something
about starts and the distance to stars. I remember the first dream
where liberated dream figures started to flounder to the scenery, two
months ago. I was in a swimming pool with a group of people, Jeff
Foster was there. Adyashanti was also in that dream, at a later stage.
Strange, strange dreams. I feel like I´m in a crash course with
reality, associating myself with people of high integrity has brought
deep faith into my life. Faith of seeing this through is present even
in the midst of darkest moments."


"Vague glimpses. One of (my) dream figures got it, realized no-self.
This may be a good sign or not (and it was annoying as fuck to see
dream figure realizing it, or announce the realization as if
understanding no-self to the degree of realization). I drank couple
beers and watched Estonian and Russian channels, so the dream recall
was a bit hazy. Estonian news are the shit, I tell you. Thought about
learning Russia, because russian-finnish women who I´ve known have
made a positive impact on me. But no, I´m gonna go through the history
of philosophy soon, just the rough outlines though, then look into the
works of Schopenhauer. Actually he wrote only one book: The World as
Will and Representation. Has made deeper impact on artists, musicians
and poets than old academic farts who hide behind clever analysis. Of
course the reasons why Schopenhauer intrigues me are clear, he was
deeply influenced by Buddhism and the whole "world as will" is almost
the same as dependent origination teachings. Actually, it may be
perfectly the same idea, but just expressed in a more philosophical
tone.


Took a nap. Exhausted from yesterdays work. Lucid dreaming. Saw a
woman in red coat, black hair. Couldn´t see her face, so I stopped and
looked closer. Reminded me of Vasilisa because the last time I saw her
she had beautiful red coat and, well, her hair is always black. Rush
of sexual energy as I realized I´m dreaming, but instead of having sex
I merge with the dream figure. Nice feeling."
-----------------------------------------------


What actually happens at the EXACT moment of seeing? I have the idea
that nothing actually happens, the scenery doesn´t magically alter.
It´s just a realization that there is no real self, there is only
various degrees of falsehood until that which is false is seen as it
is. Is there difference between seeing no self and emptiness, this is
something which I have had to wonder deeply because some say that they
have seen the Emptiness after realizing the emptiness of self?


Mikko

Hey Mikko,


It seems like you don't need me to tell you your beliefs are bullshit. You know this. So why the continued investment? All beliefs are ultimately bullshit, most importantly belief in self. All beliefs can be traced back to beliefs about self. So what beliefs about your self are you investing these other beliefs in?

Yes, it is simple. Incredibly simple. The simplest thing there is. It almost seems unfair, a cruel joke, especially to those who spend so much of their lives on this endeavour never to see what's right there in front of your face. But why shouldn't it be simple? It's reality. And it doesn't take the understanding of vipassana, zen, meditation, chanting, praying, reading books, or a degree in philosophy to see it. Just dropping all of this stuff and looking. Enlightenment is putting down your burden. (Ha.)

Dreams are great. I love dreaming. Around the time of my awakening I had amazing dreams too which I thought were significant. But nah, I don't think they were. It's just that my brain was going a little crazy at the time, my every waking thought was obsessed with waking up and so was my every sleeping thought. I also thought that waking up would be something like lucid dreaming, but it wasn't reality like that either. This talking about dreams within dreams is starting to feel a little like Inception... thanks for sharing though, they sound like fun.

What happens at the exact moment of seeing? I can't really answer this, because there is no rule here. Whatever happens, happens. For some it might be cataclysmic, and for others a non-event. Looking too deeply into another experience can potentially further taint your own. All I can talk about is my experience of it, which I am happy to do, as long as you can treat it as just another interesting, inconsequential story as I do.
(http://nemonavigator.blogspot.com/2011/08/epic-tale-of-enlightenment.html)

As for the difference between no-self and emptiness, there isn't one really. My favourite description of emptiness of the void, is simply the no in no-self. It's a void and yet it contains everything. Everything but self. It's that space in between thoughts.

Okay Mikko, you know what to do. Just keep shredding through those beliefs that are clouding your seeing. Let go. Make honesty your sharpest tool. Sometimes it can get to a point where looking/seeing goes from being a want or urge to an act of desperation, like do or die.

Jump! :)

I´m curious, how did realization of no self affect your art?


When I was younger, ten years ago or something like that, I wanted to
become a painter, then a photographer. But somehow it all died and I
found analytical psychology, literature and other passions which
filled the gap. It´s really great to see that you have maintained the
passion. For me it was admiring too deeply the works of others, like
Gottfried Helnwein, which led to me just giving up on painting.


Don´t tell me that now all the work that you do is just multimedia
installations where different headless men and women are portrayed
along with lines: "No you, look" "No you at all, ever" "No you at all,
not now, not tomorrow" "Just this" "And now this!" Just hundreds,
thousands, tens of thousands images flashing on and off reflecting the
now that never happened.


Yes, as a former art geek I´d really like to know... Are you now
reflecting nonduality in your art? Did the realization bring some
degree of depth to the process of art?


If this is too personal, just ignore. Just curious.

I don´t think I´m in the clear yet, but there was an on-going
experience that lasted 3-4 days where there was just this pure
luminous mind, seeing itself was like fire which burned everything in
that seeing. Purity of existence, but it was still dualistic
experience. It happened mostly because I started to pay attention to
reality, the fleeting sensations that make up this experience of
reality. Especially noting the three characteristics, impermanence,
unsatisfactoriness and no-self.


Now that I reflect it, maybe I was just in highly mindfull state and
this shouldn´t be about mind-states, which come and go, but having
lasting realizations about the nature of reality. Unshakeable clarity,
or something like that.


I must confess that Dharma Overground has won me over currently and I
haven´t really been paying attention to direct pointing. Well, that´s
not completely true, because direct pointing and all the questioning
that is part of that kind of inquiry is deeply rooted in me already.
But, yeah, for the first time I´m looking into the world of vipassana.
Though as I´m bookaholic I´m currently once again mostly reading books
about meditation than meditating. Just finished Daniel Ingram´s
Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha second time. Never thought
that there would come a time when I´d find something that surpasses
even Jed McKenna´s trilogy. Amazed at the level of honesty Ingram is
talking from. Love that he bashes the "nothing to do, nowhere to go"
schools, because I have secretly despised neo-advaita for a while (not
the teachers, but sometimes some deep insights are communicated in a
way that can be easily misheard, that is of course the fault of the
one who hears the teaching wrong, not the teaching itself, but still
there is something unsettling about neo-advaitic teachings).


After next week I´ve satisfied my intellectual hunger and I can get on
with this and try combining vipassana with direct path, marrying
meditation with inquiry. I don´t know how this goes, all I know that
all the paths seem to point here. In this moment. Truth being in these
fleeting sensations that arise and pass quickly, are not able to
satisfy due to the
illusion of duality, and are empty of self.


Yeah, still appreciate that rant about the moment of awakening. I love
that kind of stories. Actually there was also practical reason behind
this curiosity, but I already found my answer to that from the
vipassana world. The question that I was reflecting was what makes
people move from high equanimity to stream entry and I found it from
The Hamilton Project blog:
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2010/12/testimonies-of-equanimity-and-stream.html

 Great stuff.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Loved the first part (of 'Epic Tale of Enlightenment'), can´t wait for the second!
Hardcore satori porn is delightful. I´ve never had that strong
mystical experiences, but I think it´s mostly because I have never
ventured into the world of entheogens. Contemplated the possibility,
but I´ve crossed arising and passing type of experiences couple of
times already. Also seen the white light and other groovy mystical
experiences which are pretty common among spiritual seekers I guess.
Although I must confess that nerdy dharma talk about pure land jhanas
has captured my imagination currently, it´s interesting how much there
may be to "just this" if one truly opens up to Reality.


Please, ramble as much as you feel like. I really enjoy this openness
and transparency I see reflected in this discussion. I actually
downloaded that Alan Watts book a couple days ago so I think I will
read it, thanks for the suggestion. :)

The more I look at the notion of self and see these thoughts arising
and passing, coming out of nowhere, disappearing almost as soon as
they appear, and see that in this seeing it is clear that self is
nothing else but thought and those thoughts are also part of reality,
mostly unproblematic and without self-contraction. But the more I
reflect this, or the more I see reflection happening, I come to the
question of doership. The illusion of self-control, self causing
something happening or choosing (which I also see mostly just
happening, but damn I want to come to see this with utmost clarity
that the happening of choosing is also dependent arising). And I think
if I can see past this illusion then the whole damn mess should be
much much more clear. Maybe completely clear.


I really appreciate the time and effort you put into the answers. And
really enjoy your story, I hope to hear the rest soon.

Thanks for sharing so much details from your
life.

I have a blog post that touches on how liberation affected my art, but I can elaborate further on that too.

Check out the doership. If there is a doer, or a chooser, they would have to choose the thoughts that arise about choice, wouldn't they? For example, try this. Sit on a chair and choose to do absolutely nothing. See how long it takes before thoughts about choosing to do other things win out. Does any chooser or doer make these thoughts happen, make these decisions? If they do, why can't they choose to turn these thoughts off for a while? Is there really anyone there in control at all? If thoughts about choosing something arise, the choice is already there, it is shaped by environment, always. And more often than not you, or the the body, is going to follow suit and comply with that "choice". This can actually also show a bit about non-duality. If there is a doer, or a chooser, in any kind of sense, it is environment, an environment that you are in no way separate from. Try it, can you make a choice about anything that is solely your own choice and entirely uninfluenced by any outside source?
Every thought, sensation, emotion, even your biology, is shaped by environment. Internal and external are not mutually exclusive. If you were born into a white box, and never had any external stimuli except for the walls of your white box, what would you think you are? What could you even think about?

(Insert 'Epic Tale' part 2.)

It was a really epic hardcore seeker story, you really went for the
enlightenment completely after the initial drug induced experience.
Sometimes when reading such a story that is filled with deep
experiences and real drive towards wholeness I actually start to
wonder do I have little bit too laid back attitude to all this. Don´t
get me wrong, there are times when I have burned myself to the point
of deep exhaustion because this stuff, but still I haven´t been driven
by suffering but just some strange irrational curiosity towards the
wonder of life has been guiding me. I don´t know, it seems that the
way each and everyones path unfolds is unique, yet the steps seem to
have universal characteristics (how the progress of insight unfolds,
at least meditative paths seem to agree on this although there are
traditions that don´t mention the insight stages like Zen).


I hit depression yesterday. I posted random shit at RT, but at the end
of the day I was glad that I did. It´s just starting to dawn on me
more and more why the focus is so tight on reality and honesty has
nothing to do with being honest, it´s more to do with process of
honesty, just checking out if something is there or not within the
field of experience. It was at the end of this discussion when it
slowly started to make sense in some clear intuitive way:
http://www.ruthlesstruth.com/arena/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=1348&start=0


You don´t have to read it, but I think it gives a better idea where
I´m at. What level of understanding is being reflected and where I´m
heading. It´s funny I really felt like I just can´t do it yesterday
when I started posting shit at RT, but at the end of the day there was
deeper clarity.


It´s the end of the month and my focus is on mundane everyday stuff,
but looking forward to continuing this with you. You seem to have
depth of clarity and you can express it really well which I appreciate
deeply. I should really just close the books now and start getting
real.

I'm really glad you enjoyed my tale. Although, it was feeling pretty indulgent of me, I'm glad to be focusing on your work again.
I know you want to get this done.


Your last paragraph really made me smile. Time to start getting real, I love it.

One hesitation I had in telling my story was that I was concerned you might think your own journey would need to mirror mine in some ways. So, don't fret about deep experiences or laid back attitudes, as well as burning yourself to exhaustion over it. A big fear of mine, as I said, was my lack of discipline. But, fuck all that. I was the last person I expected to make it, and I made it. This is stuff you obviously spend a lot of time with, which is proof enough of your sincerity, which is all you really need. And each day, each moment is fresh and new, another chance to get this shit figured out. Just keep cutting away any accumulated baggage. Uncloud your eyes and look.



I read the first few and the last few pages of your RT thread, I will read the whole thing tomorrow but it is late here and I'll be jumping into bed after I write to you. If there is anything specific in it that you want to discuss with me, feel free to bring it here.



You mentioned honesty. I think I've talked about honesty a bit, maybe with you, maybe with others. Honesty is key. It is about checking things against reality and seeing how they hold up, as you said. Namely, thoughts and experience. What is the main thing that makes these things clash with reality? What makes us so dishonest? Belief in self. Sustaining and protecting belief in self. It's the birthplace of lies. Why else would there be a need to lie? What purpose could it serve? What other purpose could lying to yourself serve? So, yes, it's about checking if something is there or not in reality, as you said, but it's also about real actual honesty. The two are directly related, the same thing really. It's about keeping experience authentic. It's about getting real.



So, using your sincerity, along with this realty-check tool, honesty, take a look at your current position and find out what you are still clinging to and why. What is the resistance here, what is getting in your way, what do you still fear or doubt, what are you still identifying with and why? Throw out everything you thought you knew and everything that brought you to this point and start from now.


What is it that is, in this moment, clashing when you compare experience to reality?

I wrote poorly about honesty, what I meant that there can be thought
"I´m being honest", but it actually doesn´t matter as much as the
process of checking out this shit against reality. Thought of being
honest is just a thought, what else is going on? That´s what I was
after. Okay, enough about that.


You mentioned contact high in your story. You know how spiritual
seekers usually have this idea of resonance, that´s actually one of
the reasons why many people are hanging out at the satsang scene
because they think they are going to get something out of it, some
bliss-out experience just by sitting in the company of enlightened
person. So, I was wondering out of curiosity that has people
experienced anything groovy if you have been interacting with them
after liberation.


I promise to engage you more deeply when I have my
early-month-routines out of the way. I´ll reflect what you wrote about
honesty the rest of the night. Really good questions. Thanks.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actually, don´t answer that question. It´s a distraction. That was one
of the beliefs I nurtured, that somehow "satsang is magic", haha. I
never even went, I deconstructed that idea during this summer. But it
was persistent fucker, especially when I was seeing Conscious.tv
interviews and it was more than clear that most people who had the
shift in perception participated in satsangs. Especially Tony Parsons
meetings seemed to trigger something in people. Oh well, an old idea.
One of my fixations.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I feel like sharing my private ramblings that I just wrote, I think
those reflect better this moment than that thread at RT. I think I´ll
leave that thread alone for now. And I definitely need to stop
reading, that´s clearly one of my biggest distractions. This
horizontal pull of ideas will never lead me to the depth of seeing.


"I think you should move your truth-inquiry completely away from any
notions of self... there is already seeing and within that seeing it
is clear that thought of me is just a thought, it doesn´t even have
any significant pull over you, at least that seems to be the case most
of the time. However it´s easy to say that when I have been leading a
life of a hermit for years, not dealing with other people. In this
quietness and sweet solitude it´s easy to just be and allow everything
to just be. Thoughts to just arise and fall on their on, like clouds
passing by. Harmless, only when believed they turn into delusions.


Looking for the self is oxymoron, it´s reinforcing the idea that there
is a self to look for. There is seeing/ knowing and within that field
of seeing thoughts can be seen, but what else is there? Isn´t it
growing more and more obvious that the absence (of self) is
everywhere. That you are staring at the absence all the time. Look at
the absence then!


Thoughts arise: "Yes, but" and those are seen also. It´s like
something isn´t clicking. And I know very well that all subtle
expectations about something, whatever it is, are movement away, that
is if those strain of thoughts are followed. Are they followed
anymore? Sometimes.


There are moments when these things are starting to simmer, to take
hold. I should force myself through when those moments start
occurring, really just do some hardcore noting. Just effortlessly note
what´s presently occurring.


I can see why they have to use their shock methods in most cases.
Violence tears down bullshit faster than philosophical argumentation
ever will. That´s why this message is being shouted at people. Drop
your fucking maps and get real! Look at the existence with fresh eyes
and tell me what you see!


*Sigh* Not today. Objectify (expectations, bring them into the light
of awareness, just note them and let them go), clarify and simplify as
you go. Be mindlessly simple."

Okay, you're a great writer Mikko, but doesn't matter what I think, you're not convincing yourself of anything. Don't try to pull the wool over your own eyes here.
Don't cheat yourself. You say that looking for a self only reinforces the idea that there's a self to look for. Well, maybe there is a self and maybe there isn't, you don't know for sure, that's the problem and that's what you're trying to find out. Truth, not no-self. This is why all previous conceptions need to be dropped every time you engage this process.

Now, you need to look. Wipe your eyes, drop your beliefs and look.


You didn't answer the questions in my last email so I'll write them here again:

Using your sincerity, along with this realty-check tool, honesty, take a look at your current position and find out what you are still clinging to and why. What is the resistance here, what is getting in your way, what do you still fear or doubt, what are you still identifying with and why? Throw out everything you thought you knew and everything that brought you to this point and start from now.
What is it that is, in this moment, clashing when you compare experience to reality?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Mikko, how are things going?
I hope my last email wasn't too confusing/misconstrued/inappropriate for where you are and what you need right now. I'm usually inclined to give people gentle nudges towards the gate, and I'm not very good at the shoving/slapping (hitting with the zen stick) part yet it seems, it probably looks like I'm playing "good cop - bad cop", haha. All I try to do is what seems right in that moment. Hence, I probably come off as inconsistent. And I don't know how helpful I'm being for you. Also, I think I've been a little uncertain as to exactly what you want to get out of our correspondence. Whether it's philosophical dialoguing and sharing of ideas (playfully or seriously or both), interactive spiritual autolysis, help with direct pointing/gateless gate, or something else entirely... whatever it is I'm enjoying it and I'm happy to continue, but it would be great if we both knew what direction you want to be going in... do you agree?
Hope to hear from you soon.

Yes, self exists. There is a real momentary self which arises and then
ceases, again and again. Self1, self2, self3, and so on. There is
luminous and empty self, that is also to say that there is no self
apart from what is arising right here, right now.

Naaahhhh, just trying to be clever, it doesn´t serve me well at this
point, so I choose to remain silent about the contemplations which are
presenting themselves in this moment.

I´d say that I´m stuck at the witness. There has to be negation of
awareness as silent background and deeper clarity into this moment
where it´s revealed that the seeing is just the seen, hearing just the
heard. More poetic expression is scenery sees. Nonduality.

I don´t know. I meant to answer sooner, but all I could come up with
is that I truly don´t know. I mean the questions you have asked are
THE questions as far as I can see, but sadly I can´t seem to objectify
what I´m holding or resisting in this moment. I think I´ll have to
reflect those questions more deeply, or this moment more deeply with
those questions in mind.

I didn´t mean to give wrong impression when I wasn´t answering, I just
thought that those questions are really good and deserve a moment of
reflection. I really deeply appreciate what you are doing. And LOL
Nemo, I have been in duel with Stephen and THAT was brutal, so no you
haven´t rubbed me the wrong way (and neither did Stephen, I was really
glad about that duel). You would have to be really really violent to
reach the levels of intensity which Stephen brought upon me in our
duel, I mean it was massacre.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

About the direction... I´ve been kinda enjoying the flow of this
discussion as it has been unfolding, but I hope we can focus on gate
gate gate when I have finished certain things. There´s just this blog
that deals with the misperception of witness and I´m getting a lot out
of it, so for a while the avid reader in me is guiding the show. I´ll
turn the chat on when I have finished that blog, though it will take a
while because it has a lot of good material that speaks directly at
the heart of nonduality.


"...From deep meditative observation, the witness is realised to be
just an impression that is caused by subtle knowingness and sequential
observation. Moment to moment arises in lightning fast speed. The
second moment got a subtle imprint of the recently preceded one. This
sequential change causes the sense of Subtle Witnessing known as the
Eternal Witness..."

Okay Mikko, when you have spent a bit more time with the questions and looking at your resistance, reading the blog, etc, and are ready, let me know.

Sounds outside, noises. Reflective reaction, thoughts: "Those fuckers
again" Reflection: dependent arising. And the more I look the more
obvious it´s growing that not only thinking does not predicate
thinker, but thinking itself is dependent arising. Brain is reflective
mechanism, it´s more deeply in relation to environment than to assumed
self.


Are all thoughts dependent arising?


Some thoughts seem to hold conditioned patterns, and if the pattern is
very strongly rooted it will surface more easily. But overall, yes,
dependent origination seems to give the strongest clue about how the
sense of self is arising. Inherently empty (that is, it´s dependent on
various factors that come into play at this moment and can´t stand
apart from those factors).


I guess where I go wrong is some deeply held convictions about seeing
the emptiness... that is if I were to see this there would really be
SEEING THIS and seeing this with the clarity that "Oh fuck this! This
is it, has always been the case, how did I miss this?!" Although I
tell myself´: expect it to be more subtle than the most subtle image
you hold and let go even of that image.


I´m clearly intellectualizing too much.


And yes, I lied. I lied about closing the books. Damn, even though I
love reading, I just love it so much, but I also hate myself for
missing the opportunity for real reflection, sharing of ideas with
someone like you who have been more than patient where I have been
constantly writhing away from this direct experience and honesty. I
hope that our correspondence will continue even though I´m openly
admitting that my commitment isn´t that perfect, far from it.


I wouldn´t blame you if you´d have lost all hope about me. I´m lost in
the world of ideas. And I know this will continue to be so for a
while. I´ll write to you when I´ve reached some degree of closure
about the things which seem to haunt me currently.


P.S. I didn´t know that you had answered. This mail was written before
I saw your reply. Thanks for giving me time for reflection.

Hey there Mikko, I have a fair bit of work on at the moment so forgive the delay in responses. I was also going to wait til you wrote again as you said, but I felt the need to respond to your last email.


What you have written about dependent thought is excellent, a wonderful exploration.
You asked the question, "Are all thoughts dependent arising?" And you went through and answered this yourself. Really great. Keep along this line of investigation. You also said "Brain is reflective mechanism, it´s more deeply in relation to environment than to assumed self."
Can you find anything phenomenological that is not directly related to environment?
What does your answer imply?


Something else you said that stood out, regarding sense of self, "it´s dependent on various factors that come into play at this moment and can´t stand
apart from those factors." Also apply this to above questions. Your original subject of this email was "nondual inquiry", in which you are making massive headway. Well done man, it's really exciting. The insight of no-self, and nonduality, are practically one and the same.


So your current obstacle is an expectation of seeing the emptiness, and what will happen if/when you do see this emptiness. You can't predict what will happen, so let it go, drop it. All I can really say is, the void is self, and the self is nothing. Self is the illusory driver, manifester, experiencer... so when the illusion is seen through and falls away, the void is the space in which all these things, previously attributed to self, transpire. It's the stillness in between happenings. If you like you can try to meditate or just be still, observe the space between breaths. But you must continue to drop expectations, always, constantly, make it your new paradigm, make "let it go" your mantra.


You said, "I´m lost in the world of ideas. And I know this will continue to be so for a while." You don't know this, you can't. Unless you're some kind of soothsayer. If you keep making these kinds of forecasts and assumptions, all you will ever be is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop thinking you can predict anything, stop thinking you know anything altogether. Approach this as a new born babe, fresh in each moment. Allow things to flow, stop trying to control them. Let. It. Go.


You are definitely really intelligent Mikko, which might be why you are being so hard on yourself, and complicating this more than you need to. I think this is an obstacle for you, but it can easily be overcome. You have such high expectations of your self, in seeing the reality of no-self. Doesn't really jive, does it? There is no one waiting in the wings for you to fuck up in order to chastise you. Relinquish control, be free of the self-punishing self.


If reading is loved, read. When reflection is needed, reflect. When time for sharing is indicated, share. Just keep things authentic, don't beat yourself up and create unnecessary misery. You'll know you're being a self-serving douche when things start feeling inauthentic again, then it can be corrected with our best mate honesty. It's okay to be human, it's what you are. Just keep it real man.


I haven't lost all hope in you. I cannot. It won't happen. For as long as you have this intent and this interaction is needed, I'll be here. When this sharing takes place, there is nothing more important in the world, and nothing I'd rather be doing. Therefore the word patience for me is redundant. I don't need it :)


One more thing. Something that Ciaran spoke about, which helped me a lot, is viewing the world through the lens of no-self. If you are having trouble with the other avenues of inquiry, try this one for a few days. Approach life as if there is no self, and see if it applies to reality and everything in it, or not. See if there are any snags, see if there is any situation where it doesn't apply. This may help the penny to drop.

"Can you find anything phenomenological that is not directly related
to environment?"

No. Everything is dependent arising. Hearing, seeing, cognizing, how
feelings arise etc. But the profundity what I just said hasn´t yet
opened up fully. Nagarjuna explains these things to the point, but
intellect can´t really grasp the explanations he gives. In silent
contemplation they can open up, give way to seeing.


It was few months ago when I found dependent origination teachings and
it has shifted my thinking to completely new level. Reality is too
multifaceted for me to say that I comprehend DO teachings completely,
I don´t. But slowly I´ve started to see the deep interrelatedness of
reality. I should push this, but instead I watch poker on YouTube.
It´s like coming to this far and then I let all of this slide from my
reach... Maybe it´s the fear, I´ve started to touch it. I saw a
nightmare about this subject of no self couple days ago, but of course
I was glad. For me fear is only indication of getting in touch with
something real. Everytime fear grabs me I tell myself that I´m
touching pure gold.


I wrote this a while ago at another forum...


"Maybe it wants to be free of itself but doesn't want to give up control" Phil


But was it ever really in control? Isn´t choice given almost as
accomplished fact when it arises? Self thinks it´s choosing, but when
understanding starts to shine through there can be seeing into the
play of life and in that seeing it can be seen that choices are
dependently arisen, various conditions and causes come into play and
choosing happens. Self thinks it can affect reality in that ignorance
self doesn´t see that the mere sense of self is something that arises
within reality, is affected by reality and can´t stand apart from
reality.


There is real illusion of control, the relinguishment is only letting
go of the illusion of control which was never true.


I think the seeing through free will is starting to be really strong,
it´s the assumption of observer/ watcher/ silent witness that I need
to tackle. Is there anyone there or are the lights just on and no one
is home? This is where it comes down to, it has to. I see no other end
point.

"What does your answer imply?" I can intuit where you are gently
leading me, but... can´t answer that question yet.

"If reading is loved, read. When reflection is needed, reflect. When
time for sharing is indicated, share. Just keep things authentic,
don't beat yourself up and create unnecessary misery. You'll know
you're being a self-serving douche when things start feeling
inauthentic again, then it can be corrected with our best mate
honesty. It's okay to be human, it's what you are. Just keep it real
man."

Yeah, love reading and many other things (basically anything that has
something to do with music or arts). Thank you for being so gentle
about my fixations. I can see Nagarjuna is my end point on this
intellectual/ contemplative path, but I haven´t started looking into
his work yet because currenly it doesn´t seem like must. His adoption
of viewless view of emptiness puts an end to philosophical
argumentation which is always leaning towards some view. "Those who
assert dependent phenomena as like moons in water, as not real and not
unreal, are not tricked by views." Nagarjuna


Your psychological insights into my situation are really soothing, the
outpouring of loving-kindness is at times even felt. I´ll become metta
junkie as this discussion proceeds to nowhere. That´s one thing I´ve
resisted at times, love. Love that transcends opposites and does not
fear to take in all the pain there is, embracing all there is in this
play of life.

"You said, "I´m lost in the world of ideas. And I know this will
continue to be so for a while." You don't know this, you can't. Unless
you're some kind of soothsayer. If you keep making these kinds of
forecasts and assumptions, all you will ever be is a self-fulfilling
prophecy."

It´s true that I can´t predict that, and also true that one should be
careful what ideas they nurture, because ideas contain seeds which
will manifest if they are taken in and believed completely. Well, the
only manifestation often being suffering, because even if desires are
granted access it all comes to an end way too soon. Impermanence
reigns.

"I haven't lost all hope in you. I cannot. It won't happen. For as
long as you have this intent and this interaction is needed, I'll be
here. When this sharing takes place, there is nothing more important
in the world, and nothing I'd rather be doing. Therefore the word
patience for me is redundant. I don't need it :)"

Be forewarned, this discussion might last longer than one might
expect. Hopefully, and hopefully not. Hopefully, because I´d love to
be in touch regardless of what. Hopefully not, because I hope that I
can lose all hope soon enough and give in to this moment fully, let go
what I´m resisting and holding on.


P.S. I try to answer as quickly as I can, but sometimes it takes a
while to reply. I relish this conversation we have, spontaneous joy
arises in me everytime I receive email from you. :)

Hey Mikko!


Yes, just because you 'see it' doesn't mean the conversation has to stop :)


The existence of an observer/watcher/silent witness implies internal and external are two different things. Are they?


There is the watching, that's where it's all happening. That's what's going on. Anything that is, is there. Like images projected onto a big blank screen, minus any projector. Cause and effect are human concepts to talk about sequence and time more than anything. More linguistic devices that have rooted themselves into human consciousness as beliefs about reality. Like "I". So watching exists without the need of being caused by a watcher. Not only this, but no watcher can actually be watched, or exists in the watching, which encompasses all.


I think I've said this before, but anything you can point to and say "that exists!" is something you can see in direct subjective experience. Anything that is not occurring there, in this moment, either cannot exist or is conjecture at best. You see, there is absolutely nothing we can know for certain. The one thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything.


Truth-seeking is a process of negation rather than confirmation. "Not this." "Not that."


How are you going with the looking through the lens of no-self experiment?

I think the experiment is only slowly starting to sink in. And, well,
I think it´s brilliant. It´s actually something that I considered few
months ago, but I didn´t push it. I thought that why I don´t do this
counter-intuitive way and ponder questions like: in this moment is
there anything missing; or can you see the flow of life happening
spontaneously without the superimposition of I on top of things; or do
see that the one who wants to control the flow of life can´t even
control the thoughts which are ceaselessly arising and passing...


It takes the search out of equation, that´s the genius behind it!

"Cause and effect are human concepts to talk about sequence and time
more than anything. More linguistic devices that have rooted

themselves into human consciousness as beliefs about reality." Yes,
yes, yes... I pondered this too today. The following thoughts came out
of nowhere:


"The idea of getting IT behind liberation is to have a shift in
perception of reality. There is no point of going looking for the
shift because direct perception is something that is always at hand,
you only need to look.


There are teachings which are representing paradigm shift in terms of
thinking. Dependent origination being the strongest clue how cause and
effect way of seeing reality is false. Due to the multifaceted nature
of reality you can NEVER capture all the various factors that come
into play and give rise to the moment to moment experience we have of
reality. But the brilliance of dependent origination teachings isn´t
so much that there is new model of reality being handed to seeker,
it´s the fact that for once the idea of cause and effect is seen as
naive. In certain contexts cause and effect does hold and has it´s
merits, but on the level of reality it doesn´t. We are always cutting
reality apart (which can´t be done) when we signify certain causes and
doing so leaves always something out of the picture. Something else
must be going on.


So dependent origination doesn´t actually give something new to the
seeker, but it can very quickly eradicate naive belief in cause and
effect where we are always shutting our eyes tight and focus only on
the causes that we are predisposed to see in action. For the first
time seeker can start to gaze into the flow of reality, this gives way
to immediacy: non-conceptual bare seeing into the nature of reality.


The question is how deep dependent origination teachings are? And can
they also lead to perceptual shift, not only paradigm shift in terms
of thinking and seeing reality, but also take one to the very end of
one´s search, or at least give direct glimpse of reality as it is?"


I´m stuck with the questioning is there anything missing in this
moment? And how do I know it´s missing? I don´t know, there was just
goofy funny smile on my face when I started to run through those
questions, just questioning the answers doesn´t matter that much, just
reflecting and wondering... Until I felt spacious and happy enough and
let it all falter. Hahaha. No, I should push this. Damn.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If at the heart of liberation is the end of suffering (which doesn´t
end with the initial glimpse of no self, but is a step to right
direction) then I don´t know why I´m seeking or prolonging this search
because I don´t have that degree of emotional turmoil that I´d even
need to get rid off, rather it´s starting to become clear that
fixation to spirituality in itself is feeding suffering. And the
emotional models which promise bliss I think those are bullshit
salespitch for humans who are always craving for happiness, well maybe
there´s some truth when there is no stickiness after seeing the nature
of reality and when one has also some access to jhanas then maybe
there´s some truth to those models. But overall, I think I´m going to
downplay this thing away from being the main focus, like it has been
for the half year of my life.


Looking, that I do understand. There´s no harm in that. The benefits
are instant when one realizes that the self doesn´t exist apart from
it´s story and the story of me is seen as just amusing chatter of the
mind that it is. I can see that. That degree of seeing is there and
it´s constant, try as I might I can´t even lose myself into fiction
anymore and to give rise to negativity, or if it arises it goes away
pretty quickly. And I do see the interrelatedness, but not to the
degree that I could say I´d understand the non-separation completely
or rather SEE it clearly. And the illusion of free will, how in the
choosing various factors come into play which doesn´t stand outside of
reality but are affected by reality. That too I see. But at this point
I lack motivation. I know after a while it will be back, especially if
I can play solid poker once again and then have money so I can
participate in satsangs. For now... it seems I´m letting this rest for
a while.


I know this is a let down. Especially because you have put so much
care into most of your emails. I just don´t seem to have the necessary
drive anymore to see this through. Maybe this is some weird dukkha
nanas territory where I´m in, but I don´t think so. Erin from The
Office sums up my thoughts on this matter better than I can...


http://youtu.be/yLY762hnIso

It's not a let down Mikko. I love talking about this stuff but it's up to you in the end.

You can keep yourself distracted with jhanas and nanas, etc, and continue to hold on to seeker-identification, as well as waste money on satsangs, but if you want my advice you may as well spend it on something fun and thrilling like sky-diving or hot air ballooning. I'm sure you'd get far more out of it. And you'll be dead one day so you may as well live while you're alive.

If the burning gets intense enough to the point that you do not want but need to see this through, when it's no longer a hobby but life-or-death, I'll be here.

I'll be here regardless.

Love to you.

Memento vivere! Live life to the fullest, and so on. Many people want
vitality, to experience thrilling excitement of life, maybe just to
experience that for a while they are alive and not adopting to dulled
out lifestyle where bleak nothing is all-too-familiar companion. Yet,
often people are just propping up the mental image, their moral idea
of good live, when they reflect the endless possibilities they never
took, maybe dared only in their lucid dreams, only when daytime
consciousness is at sleep and night speaks it language. Only then.

But it´s here. Life presently occurring. These sounds and sights,
scenery breathing, aliveness everywhere, and it can´t be shut down
from not occurring. I never mountain climbed or did something that
degree of extremity, but when I reflect how this live has been
unfolding I never feel regret about anything. Mostly gratitude. I
travel the silk road from this point onward. Not awake, but dreaming
vividly. Mind-blown into ecstasy.

Hey brother, how are things?

Yes, carpe vitae, seize your life, certainly. I think what I was getting at though, was you should spend your money on something fun and exciting or something you absolutely love, because you will probably learn more from that than a satsang. You know, put down the how-to book - the theory - and do some practise. But hey, maybe you love satsangs. That's cool. Everything is practise essentially, like you said, life can't be shut down from occuring.

I've only been to 2 or 3 brief satsang-type situations myself, I'm not sure if it's something I will do again, but never say never.

Maybe I'll run one one day. Haha not really. I'm not much of a public speaker :)

Really happy to hear that life over there is vivid ecstatic dreaming.

I reflected your words which spoke to me in a way that I started
asking questions like: what is the expression of the most authentic
desire in me that wants to come to the surface, to sing its song,
dance its dance, to express itself. Yet, my journey has been one of
loss. Loss of personal will. Loss of things I used to love, like
painting/ drawing and the latest loss photography. Those were the
things I loved. Used to be passionate about. And I coulnd´t really
answer that question. I could see the meaning, the importance of that
kind of reflection. After all, what is there in this play of life if
there isn´t anything that one can be passionate about. Even the desire
for enlightenment, it was seen as a hindrance when I experienced the
luminosity of the mind. Loss after loss.

About a year ago I started reflecting the possibility of dmt/ lsd/
psilocybin mushrooms. That´s why I mentioned sort of vague way Silk
Road, underground website which allows you to buy all sorts of fun
stuff. I had the idea that if I ever experience deep stuckness in life
that is the direction I will take. But naturally I want to do it, to
experience fleeting high of lsd or dmt, whether its nightmarish trip
or something else entirely. Yet I put so much emphasis on the setting
that this will take a while.

I´m rambling, just writing these words as they arise. I´ve layed down
the theory, actually I gave up on the whole thing. At least
momentarily. I do things which I´m good at like playing poker.

About satsang. I mostly had the idea that it would be good experience
in either case. It´s one of those things which I really wanted to
participate last year, but somehow couldn´t manage to do it.

Hey, you don´t have to give speeches... Hold silent satsangs instead!
I think it would be lovely to see you giving satsangs one day, you
seem highly inspirational on many levels. Anyway, lovely to hear from
you. Wish you the best birthday, you who were never born. Hah.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Nemo


Seeing happened. But it was just a glimpse of nonduality, the
timelessness of this experience was seen. It was intense, yet
completely at peace with itself. However the seeing was spontaneous
and, as I already mentioned, not abiding. The funny thing is that I
had momentarily given up on seeing no self/ nonduality... I guess the
letting go of seeking was crucial in that (although I can´t really
say, it seems to happen completely spontaneously if it happens). One
can crack liberation/enlightenment only to some degree
intellectually, but in the end all views can become a hindrance.
Reality merely IS.


The great thing was that my personal question that I gave to myself
some time ago was seen. The question was: is reality arising or
non-arising? It is happening in timeless perfection that itself isn´t
happening at all.


The context where it happened was my room. I just woke up and saw the
room being held in this timeless presence. I think I was a bit scared,
as well as I was excited, because in that seeing there was sense of
dissolving into this experience. Being so completely with this
experience that it was clear that THIS is all there is.


Now few days has passed and I´m not sure anymore, mostly because I´ve
made this present experience as my teacher and if the seeing is not
abiding then I tend to downplay it (and maybe I was dreaming, hah).
The reason why I´m writing to you is because I feel compelled to ask
this: did you have glimpses of seeing before it was at the stage of
undeniable realization? I just have the impression that this is the
way it seems to go for many. There are fleeting glimpses of seeing
until it all is being seen in complete clarity. And, if you think that
I´m just making up that experience or I was just experiencing some
altered state or something like that, let me know. The last thing I
want to do is to delude myself more. Thank you.  

Mikko!
That is so great to hear! So very happy.
I don't doubt for a second that you saw it. You speak with such a simple, transparent clarity. The energy is easily read. It's beautiful. It can certainly feel like an altered state, it can potentially even bring on an altered state, but this is just an inconsequential condition or bi-product. And the conditions and states themselves don't matter, the truth is true all the time.
To answer your question, yes, I did have glimpses, kensho, etc, many times leading up to the undeniable realisation (great term). I don't know why they weren't the final thing, but there was always something missing in them, like I was seeing the larger picture but some part was always obscured or misunderstood. Or there was still something I was holding on to.


Now, your concern with abiding/non-abiding realisation. It's like breath, or a heart beat. It can't actually be anything but abiding. So you don't have to be looking right at it all the time for it to exist. It is always, always known and always true and cannot be forgotten. Your breath still happens when you are not noticing it. Your heart doesn't need your constant full attention to keep beating. But once you have truly felt your heart beating it can never be forgotten. It's an underlying and crucial part of existence that sometimes is at the forefront and is sometimes playing quietly in the background. But it's always there.


Maybe you have an idea about what you think the abiding state should be like, but truly, this is it. This state right now is the abiding state. Allowing this "ultimate state" to be inclusive of everything is it. This is having open eyes.

"THIS is all there is."

And not just in that moment when you dissolved into experience, when truth made itself known to you. This statement is true of every single moment, always. It's interesting, because speaking from this experience, it is something that gradually became abiding, it is certainly always there, but the odd thing is I seem to think about it less and less and rarely even look right at it, except for when I am working with someone like this. About two weeks ago I had an amazing experience where it spontaneously happened to a wonderfully intense degree, it grabbed me and was staring me right in the face and I had lost all thought and context for some time. I basked in it while it was happening, ahhh exquisite bliss... but I knew it wouldn't last. Nothing does. So I guess kensho and satori still happen now too :)
I wrote a blog post about it actually, "death". I think you might dig it.
Well, you're email has absolutely made my day Mikko. Awesome stuff my friend!
Love.

I really don´t want to put too much emphasis on my kensho experience.
I laugh because I remember the words of Alan Watts lingering in my
mind right after the experience of thusness: "Your true crime is false
modesty" He is talking about the fear of enlightenment to a murderer
who has done terrible things. False modesty or not, I really can´t say
that I´d have same degree of depth as many others, like you who can
really tune into and not just be with the experience, but AS the
experience of this moment.


It´s strange. After momentarily letting the whole matter to rest on
its own and pondering about wandering the roads of unconventional
means. But it happened before I got around playing with entheogens. I
don´t know. There is something precious in your words that encourage
me to go forward, but also not to feel too guilty when I take backward
steps. Which I seem to take, often. Haha.


Yes, I liked the entry about death. Well, you have talent with words
so I´m always delighted to see you posting something to your blog. I´m
puzzled, don´t know what to say. I´ll write to you later when I´m once
again consumed by all this. Right now I´m just deeply content with
what is happening.

You're current degree of depth is as deep as it goes. It's true you cannot say that you have the same degree of depth as others, because when you hear about other experiences they will only ever exist as words. And in fact, fairytales. Maybe based on fact, but you can never know. Your experience is the only knowable experience, and so in a very real way it is the only experience. You are blazing the trail, plumbing the depths for the first time. No one has trodden where you are treading. It might seem like I am further along the path than you, but really we are walking side by side. You are here with me at this point in my journey, and vice versa. And this is such an incredible, amazing and beautiful truth. Your journey is the only journey. 

Being as the experience, not with the experience. A beautiful way to describe it. This is actually what you are doing, or rather what is already happening, but yes, it is something that is tuned into and recognised, as you said. It's not hard to do, it's just looking around and recognising the truth. "Being with the experience" falls under the illusion of a separate someone. But as you have seen there is no separate someone, there is only the experience. And body, mind, thoughts are all valid and wondrous parts of experience. Everything is included. If there was something here that shouldn't be, it wouldn't be. Cause and effect is an illusion. Give up Mikko, giving up is the greatest thing you could ever do. Give up, surrender, jump. Teetering on the edge is fucking scary but you know there's no going back. In falling through the timeless spaceless abyss, there is no bottom. There is no distance. No shallow, deep, further, behind. It's this moment. It's exquisite, and all encompassing. Give over to it. Look, open your eyes, realise that you are already falling....♡

I´ve let go of ideas about enlightenment/ liberation, it just doesn´t
have any sex appeal for me. Some liberated people still hold my
fascination to some degree, but I seem to enjoy the immediacy of life
which is all there is. The storylines can be there, they live their
own lives happily without any substantial self to be found behind
those ideas. I no longer live from ideas and ideals, but merely let
the spontaneity of life guide my actions more and more. It´s funny,
actually. All the striving, grasping and trying, all of it can resolve
itself quite beautifully when we just find the art of non-doing, then
it´s just life breathing living by itself like it has always been. I
know this sounds like zen crap, but still this is how I feel about
life currently.

Maybe this game is going to start live it´s own life one day, but for
now this sweet undercurrent of joy, which seems to be there in my
life, is something that has taken over and this immediacy of life is
enough. I love you, Nemo, for what you have given to me, or taken
away.

Mikko

Not zen crap at all...

I can feel your undercurrent of joy and your gratitude.

This is it exactly. It is not an overwhelming bliss as many people think, but a subtle and permeating contentment - an undercurrent of joy.

I love you too Mikko, thank you.

I´m trying to reflect my direct experience as honestly as I can in
this moment and maybe in the end I come to the things which still seem
to puzzle me to some extent. Maybe there´s a lot of crap still inside
of me because I was hardcore consumer of spiritual teachings, only
after signing up at Ruthless Truth I started to reflect these matter
on my own. To expand a little, to take reality as a whole into matter
and not just stare at my conception about reality. In the end what
truly matters is this direct experience of life, and how this
experience is unfolding and continues to unfold. After all it is all
we have.

I think some myths about liberation just paint too grandiose picture
where you almost start to imagine like it´s some mystical la-la-land
where enlightened person is deeply immersed into the mystery of
not-knowing and satori porn reigns. I guess the main difference is
that most people live from their ideas and ideals rather than meet
life in the openness and not-knowing. And that´s something that has
been going on more and more in my case, authentic desires seem to be
surfacing while I can´t believe into mental fictions that deeply,
rather than entertaining notions about reality I seem to be engaging
more reality as it is happening.

Of course, mental fictions are part of reality, as long as we are on
this human journey there is a character that we seem to favour, but it
is also seen that mental fictions don´t need the notion of I. They go
on just like before, maybe they happen even more perfectly in radical
freedom when the illusion of self-control is gone, seen as false.
There is no thinker behind thought, only thinking spontaneously
happening. Or to be more precice thinker is exactly the thought being
cognized.

Falling away of witness. That was the moment of something I called
kensho, even though I don´t feel like labelling experiences that much
anymore. It was the first clear nondual glimpse which seemed to
immerse me into the heart of life. Just this experience was seen to be
apparently happening in timeless perfection that itself isn´t
happening. I think that was the description I gave, and in that moment
it really seemed so, but I can´t really honestly say that was it
genuine moment of seeing. You seemed to confirm it, and I wanted to
share it because it really felt so clear in that moment.

I really can´t say that am I liberated or not, though I know that
there is no I to be liberated in the first place. I really feel that I
haven´t penetrated the emptiness part that deeply that I could say I´m
in the clear. I´m very clear about the illusion of free will, and what
the notion of I is and how it doesn´t refer to anything real. Mere
trick of mind, just a thought among many. When it´s deeply believed it
creates self-contraction and we lose contact with what is, life as it
is happening. When released, then openness prevails and life seems to
flow more gently.

I honestly haven´t had that much drive in me to push liberation at
this moment any deeper, because I can sense the texture of reality
more deeply and I guess that´s one of the things which has created
some degree of contentment. I talked about the undercurrent of joy
which seems to be present in my life. As far as I see there is only
life flowing living by itself, loving what is.

Love
Mikko (carpe omnia)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can the void of no-self still be scary as fuck after seeing has
occurred? The perfect brilliant stillness at the heart of all things.
I just had a dream where I remembered one scene where there was just a
room and, well, no-one home. Just that stillness. It gave me chills,
that immovable impersonal void is scary as fuck. Maybe I´m still
teetering on the edge.

Now I guess you could ask that can that radiant stillness go away and
you already know my answer. But really it feels like I´m just
beginning to touch what is real and true. Like a foolish person
lighting matches and now that the fire is catching I notice I´m
burning and there will be nothing left.

Something that Stephen wrote about the void of no-self, that you don´t
have to see it all the time but to maintain the baseline rapport with
it makes perfect sense.

Have I seen it? I´d say yes. But have I surrendered to it? I´d say no.
                
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All of this has started to unfold on their own when there is just this
allowing, letting go, which you have mentioned from the beginning,
that being the way. But really the way I see it no one can´t do much
about it, because there isn´t anyone. That´s what I´ve seen. Nothing
is living this life.


At times it feels like when I stay with the looking,
just the seeing itself, like there is a process of undoing gently
working it´s way, and I really feel like at this point the experience
of life is something that I have to learn to trust more. There is no
other teacher.


I really thought that cracking enlightenment would be the end of self,
but it´s not. It´s the end of belief that you are a self. The self is
to be seen non-existent at the moment of radical falling away from all
thoughts about self which will continue even after seeing the void of
no-self. And life goes on, flowing just a little bit more gently after
the load has been lightened up.




That last email, in particular, is indeed very clear.

I also see a lot of fear here. The fear is okay, though. But there is resistance to it. Allow the fear to be there. Just watch it with a gentle curiosity.

Tell me, what do you think surrendering actually means? What does it entail?

On surrendering, I read what Elena Nezhinsky (http://completehumanity.blogspot.com/) wrote yesterday, and it immediately
resonated.

The way things unfolded in my case was that I learned to put my total
trust to this moment as it is. It´s something which you were guiding
me towards all the time, but only after I made peace with what is and
accepted the fact that I that wants to find liberation is never going
to find it. There is no I to be liberated, and seeing that with
crystal clarity is liberation. It´s impossible to belief in self after
seeing the void of no-self, but the thoughts are still there of course
and they continue to unfold like before with no-one in them.

I think I´m gonna check some of that "deepening" material, like that
Eckhart Tolle dwelling in the now stuff has been helpful for some.
Ciaran and few others speak so highly of him especially after seeing
that there is no self, as in zero, nada, null, it´s nothing... So
maybe it will deepen this, but really this is it.

Thank you for the incredible patience you had with me, and the effort
and heartfelt warmth that you put into your answer was, and still is,
incredibly moving. Love.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At times this seems so fucking glorious, and yet totally ordinary.
Just this, and nothing more!

And then, yes there are still some fleeting thoughts mindfucking me
into believing that it´s not there. There where? Hah.

It happened this weekend, and just now it´s becoming more to the foreground.

I don´t know, it´s like I´m shifting in and out enlightenment during
the day. Well, it´s not really true, it just may appear that way.
There isn´t anyone there anymore.

I think I´ll have to give this some time. I really feel this is it,
yet there´s still some residue of doubt. It´s almost like I´ve been
seeker for so long and I can´t belief that I have cracked this shit.

It´s comforting to know that there have been many others who have felt
exactly the same. So subtle it appears to be...


I think I may be still holding something back. Though all the weird
dharma talk about beginningless beginning makes perfect sense and all
that jazz surrounding anatta/ no-self realization. It´s so weird, even
glimpsing the void really shatters the belief in self, but had I
really given to it? And who is there to surrender? At times there is
feeling of sinking, then it becomes more clear that yes something has
happened, and sometimes it seems to be more on the foreground. But
what if I was full of shit, what if I was fabricating shit and trying
to belief like something, well nothing, has happened.

There seems to be this space where before there was the incessant
stream of thought. And thinking processes seem to be smoothing out,
like cooling down.




Mikko, I've been re-reading through your last few emails here. We have covered so much ground together in this, it really brings me a lot of joy to see the pureness and simple clarity here. Well done brother. I feel honoured to be joining you in this.

"Who is there to surrender?"

Follow this through. Ask this - what does surrendering actually entail? What is surrendering?

And this feeling of missing something, of holding something back. Really examine it. What could you possibly holding back? Where does the feeling come from?

I know that you already spoke about it as putting total trust in the moment. And yes, this is a very massive part of it. But is there anything else to it? Look closely, and simplify. What is surrendering exactly? What is it that would make you feel it important to put total trust in the moment?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I know that you already spoke about it as putting total trust in the moment. And yes, this is a very massive part of it. But is there anything else to it? Look closely, and simplify. What is surrendering exactly? What is it that would make you feel it important to put total trust in the moment?


It has been so lovely lately, and here you go teasing me, just pushing
a little further, to let it all burn, to let it all burn completely to
the ground, pointers given and burned, then what else is there than
This shining self-evidently. I don´t know, I just wonder.


Do you see the void all the time, or is the abiding state more subtle
where there is this constant spaciousness - or does emptiness of
perception describe it better? I mean all that speak how subtle it is,
I could relate to it at this point. Fuck, this is annoying, at times I
really think that this really is it, and if not this then what? And
the mental fiction that wants the story to continue in the future,
where else does it unfold than in this moment, so what is missing,
what was I still holding on? I could not see it clearly, I have been
so damn content lately and even though there has been some emotional
upheaval, it has been a lovely ride.


What is surrendering exactly? Letting go.
What is it that would make you feel it important to put total trust in
the moment? Love.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It´s so weird how so much of the dharma makes perfect sense, and yet
sadly I must confess that the illusion persists in my case. I know
that you can´t give me answers, just give the questions you feel are
of particular importance for me at this particular place. Maybe it´s
the fact that after glimpsing the void my humanness tore open and
there has been maybe too loose living, now it´s all calming down and
maybe there will be much more clarity later on. Radical neo-advaitic
teachings make much more sense for me now, the absolute truth that
there isn´t anyone, nothing needs to be done and so on. It´s true from
that place, but the relative truth is that everyone who has seen this
has examined the notion of I. How real it is, does it refer to
anything real, is the thought of I really any different from any other
thought, can you see that thinking happens without an I, and so on and
so forth.

Yes, surrendering, from certain perspective what COULD I be holding
back from myself (it-self), and yet I wasn´t so empty I could utter
the words which speak of radical freedom and spontaneous perfection. I
still contemplate on the questions about surrendering to what is. And
while doing so follow the movement of life, and maybe give up on
contemplating shit altogether and just start immersing myself more
fully into activities which really move my whole being, like going
back to taekwondo or starting something new like aikido. How I have
missed martial arts!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, since I´ve been honest, or at least trying to be as honest and
sincere as I can, I must confess that after seeing occurred... Well,
I´ve been smoking weed afterwards which may have clouded things a
little bit. I have a habit of smoking once a year, but I can see how
lame it is compared to the vibrancy of life which is starting to make
itself known. I guess I´m afraid that it´s going to be too intense,
like some radical falling into the groundless ground of existence. At
this point all I could say that I can see what self is, and the
falsehood can´t somehow sustain itself like it used to. I think at
this point all I could do is to trust life and what occurs and go with
the movement of life. I need to give this some time, hopefully you
will also give it to me and see that at this point questions, if there
are any, are going to resolve themselves naturally. Or not. I don´t
know anything.

Hahahahahahaha!

Mikko. You speak with such clarity and you call it delusion. It is too perfect. Sincerely. Chuckles and tears are fighting each other to surface.

Even the trepidation and confusion are perfect. Because they are being seen clearly. You are pointing out what is happening, honestly, in direct experience ie. "there is fear and confusion here." They are allowed to be there. Only they are not yours. They might even have some attachment to an I. But you know the I is an illusion.

"The illusion still persists in my case."

Yes, yes, yes, the illusion persists, it ALWAYS persists. 

I want to tell you something Mikko. And this will be a big hint for you in the surrender inquiry. 

The illusion cannot be destroyed. Only seen to be an illusion.

Now that I´m not on drugs, it´s starting to come to the foreground.
Pure nondual awareness. There is still slight holding back, but since
the central belief in self is seen to be false... thoughts seem like
ripples in the background of this awareness and can´t create anymore
deep contraction.

Yes, it´s a misconception, and how one can get rid of something which
was never there other than as a fleeting thought. There is nothing to
get rid of, only beliefs which must be inspected. When the falseness
is seen how it can be believed in? And self is 100% false. I must give
this some time. At this point I didn´t see that any inspection or
philosophical contemplation is necessary, but to learn to rest as what
is. To trust the movement of life, and go with it. Since it is all
there is.

I think starting aikido is going to be really helpful for me at this
point, since it´s something where flow of energy is so crucial and
also letting go, one must step aside and follow the movement and use
that as an advantage, and also it´s something which I know I will
enjoy wholeheartedly.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could still spot the bullshitter in me clearly. I wasn´t in the
clear. It was the truth.

It was growing too painfully obvious why the dreamstate haven´t been
shattered into pieces. I was too removed from life, from all the vital
aspects of life which make this journey worthwhile. That is where life
was gently leading me, to embrace the immanent aspect and no longer to
try and hide into some transcendental witness or something like that.

For how could I discover nonduality if there wasn´t anything,
literally nothing, in my life that was worth loving, if there wasn´t
anything that could really put me into the heart of life. And I
couldn´t.

Martial arts, yes, I could see why it was crucial that I will immerse
myself into something like that. And maybe forget this whole nondual
nonsense altogether, because there are no answers to be had. I knew it
perfectly well how useless thinking is in this regard.

I felt things shifting when I accepted life as it is. And this was
about life, after all. Not to get divorced from what is, but to fully
embrace the joy of life and to experience it all to hearts content.
That is the direction - the only healthy direction there is - that I
must steer towards. Not denial, but embrace.

P.S. I´m afraid that this is going to be a fucking novel. If it ain´t
one already.

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"I like to see it as 3 essential stages :- recognition, cultivation
and actualisation. The first being like a crack in the clouds where
the sunny blue sky is seen and never forgotten , then a ceasing to
identify exclusively as the cloud cover takes place until this false
identity is utterly shattered . There are cases where from that first
recognition there is no wavering and there is an effortless maturing
into unshakeable liberation ,but this is less common . It doesn't
matter either way , it happens as it happens."
Phil Stretch

This is sweet. Just the right timing for these words.

I´ll stop posting these random messages for a little while and try to
follow this movement of life.

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The thing is I was still grateful even though I didn´t crack anatta as
deeply as I wished. Actually I didn´t crack it at all, I just glimpsed
at it and with my brilliant intellect I could fabricate shit around
the no-thing without really actually living from that "place". In the
end of the day it didn´t even matter. What I discovered was honesty,
just brutal honesty to admit what a cripple - almost utterly incapable
of living - I had become while I was walking down the "spiritual"
path. Actually I felt so disgusted with everything about nonduality
and that itself freed me from the endless spiritual bullshit I was
spinning around. I was bypassing life as I was chasing the elusive
nothing. And that disgusted me.

All I cared was living while I was alive. Just immersing myself into
the heart of life. The thing is, anatta gives you one essential key to
life, but it wasn´t the end of the story. There is no end to the
story, it goes on automatically as before but now one could really see
the bullshit and carry on forward, laughing in a funny way to all the
sillyness that goes on in this world. Was I always like this? Was I
always this shit at just living? I mean the surface level appearance
kinda stuff, not the ultimate truth: look there´s no you, the bullshit
is not yours. Yes, yes it is. Real nonduality doesn´t reject the
appearances, doesn´t try to hide to the transcendental witness,
doesn´t spin the endless no you stuff around and while doing so
denying the appearances which, as illusory they may be, are still
there and will continue to be.

Life, and just living, that should have been my path from the
beginning. I´m taking baby steps in the real world, it´s like learning
to walk again. I felt disgusted and delighted at the same time. I had
been given the most amazing gift of all: to see more clearly and to
lead a life what I could consider for the first time in years a real
life, not some conceptual idea about what this shit is, but
spontaneous living in the world that I started to see in a new light.

I should have listened my friend Maarit who was gently guiding me to
see this from the beginning. It´s funny how some people, without their
knowing it, are actually living the liberated life, or at least are
very close to it. All of those who care about just living, that´s it.
That is it, just enjoy the passing show of flickering lights and
passing images. It´s amazing, and soon it´s gone. It´s this moment,
and all else is fabrication (bullshit) that is also happening in this
moment. It´s all there is.

We abstract ourselves from life when we forget the play, the
love-affair where we are in. The fundamental intimacy of life is not
found from abstractions, from considerations of life, it´s only found
when we really meet life in openness and not-knowing.

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There is no mental answer to the question of surrendering. It can´t be
answered on that level. One sees what is, and what is not, and then
gradually the movement of life is starting to make itself known, it´s
heartfelt and it will move one towards life gently or violently, it
depends on a person. Resistance forms a key to the question of
surrendering, it will make itself known. It´s further emptying out,
allowing and letting go. But there isn´t anyone there doing it, it´s
just being done. This isn´t how I intellectualize this topic, but
rather how I´m beginning to feel and be touched by life.

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Mental masturbation starts to die slowly, concepts are recognized not to refer to anything actual and slowly the immediacy of seeing/ experiencing starts to replace noise which used to occupy mind. It´s not only the fallacy of self which is seen through, it starts to go deeper. You are living more in harmony with actuality, and texture of reality just seems slightly more better than it used to. Abiding wellbeing and joy starts to emerge, also deep serenity and okayness and trust in life.

Negative side could be that motivation can take a deep hit (that is, if your motivation was resting on shallow projections), but on the good side one is moved from authenticity, things which feel really moving one´s being will replace mental ideas and projections towards some future state. Those ideas are seen as fallacies, also happening in this moment (which in itself isn´t happening in the absolute sense, eternal NOW is never entering the stream of time, beginningless beginning and endless end is never happening despite appearances).

Deepening of liberation happens on it´s own pace. It´s further emptying out, allowing and letting go. There is no more sense that one must strive to make "deepening" happen, but rather it is just being done. You feel like you are carried by the stream of life. If there is resistance still, then that is where one must look and really dive deeply. It will present itself, you can´t shut your ears from the whisperings of life. You just need to listen.

Once freedom from false self is seen, then freedom to experience life in authenticity starts to replace old conditioned patterns. They will still be running, you will still have same preferences and enjoy the things which you used to. This can be disappointing if you have thought that liberation would somehow magically make everything better. The truth is there is always further to go. Liberation isn´t the end of life, it´s a fresh start.

This isn´t cop out from life, the deepening happens as you allow yourself to be deeply immersed into the immediacy of life which is now starting to move you. There is no longer a choice to wrap yourself into cheap excuses which you may have used before. Freedom TO, that´s what it´s all about.

You realize that you must walk alone whereas before you could reflect this process against other liberated people, to ask for help guidance direction. You become the author, the sole responsibility rests in your hands. With open eyes you take the next step. Further.

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