Death

How many of you have an awareness of death that is cherished equal to life? 


If you were to die today would you be okay with that? Would you think it too soon? Would you have regrets, or feel like there are things left unfinished? Things you still want to do one day but haven't had the chance to? How much would it matter if you never got to? If you knew death was to knock on your door tomorrow, would today, would this moment, feel unfulfilled?


Death is something that has become quite removed from our culture. In general we've become desensitised to it. Mortality, and my relationship with it, is something I really try to explore and embrace. I can't honestly say what it will be like when I'm on my deathbed. Maybe it will scare the shit out of me, and maybe none of this stuff I'm saying now will hold up at all. I don't know. I have come very close to death already more than once, which I am grateful for. It's amazing how, when death pulls you close, life can pull you closer.


I have no idea what happens after I die. How could I? Reincarnation, Heaven, etc. Maybe they are real things? However, my current experience with life, and what is being seen right now with open eyes, as well as a basic common sense, tells me that these things in a classical sense are unlikely. As far as I can gather, when I die that's it. Gone. This here "reference point" in experience, a.k.a. Nemo, will be no more. Beyond that, I just don't know.


My reference point/experience/life is the only one knowable. You guys can tell me about yours but it's only ever words in my experience. So if this reference point is all there is, can it still really be called a reference point? 


When death comes, when this reference point ceases to exist, does the world and everything in it continue along without me? (One thing I used to have fun and frustration tripping myself over were the endless paradoxes, but they all make sense now, because ala Schrodinger's cat, it seems two opposites can be true at the same time. Often it just depends on where you're looking.)


Yes, possibly life without 'me' still goes on, even probably. Also - No. In fact most likely not. Gone, nothing, nada. Experience melts away back into the void and the whole world with it. Existing stops, existence with it. In this life, as this life, I am completely alone, always. But thankfully, somehow never lonely. Death is an exquisite, essential part of life, and is the one thing that makes life so wonderfully precious. Death makes you appreciate life.


A few nights ago I was in the backseat of a car with some friends driving at night along a freeway, and then up a treacherously windy mountain road towards home. MUCH too fast and dangerously. I started to say something to the driver, but I couldn't. I was so overcome by life that evening that I could do nought but welcome death with open arms. I willed it, I invited it, I surrendered and gave myself completely over to "fate" (for want of a better word) as if I could ever do otherwise. There was absolutely nothing more that I needed or wanted from life. The perfection of that moment was, IS, eternal.


Fear didn't exist whatsoever. There was no room for it in my cup overflowing with love and gratitude. I was completely without context. My mind was away somewhere contemplating it's own existence. And existence itself had burst wide open, all words, labels and concepts were gone. (I fully appreciate the irony and futility in attempting to capture wordlessness with words... I can only hope I don't do it too much of a disservice, and hope it has as much of a sense of humour as I do..!)


Awareness was comprised solely and entirely of this omnipresent gratitude, which couldn't be distinguished from the icy cold wind blasting my skin. There was such a lack of framework that I didn't realise until much later, the icy cold wind, which was all that existed, had completely frozen me without my noticing, and I started shivering uncontrollably as it suddenly hit me as feeling "cold" and uncomfortable. No distinguishing between, or categorising something as pleasant or unpleasant or anything. Including, and especially, death.


I'm curious as to how awakening may have affected anyone else's relationship with death. Do any of you relate to any of this? Any similar stories? Maybe a completely different perspective?

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